Never have I ever…. Parenting edition

Most of us have played a round of “Never have I ever…” during sleepovers or drunken parties. This will likely have involved some questionable content, depending on how seedy your friends were.

We have come up with a set of “Never have I ever…” items that are specific to the joys of parenting. In case you don’t know how to play, or have never played sober, the rules are simple. Gather your parent friends around the table and take turns reading out the items from the following list. Everyone who has done any of the following must take a drink (or a cookie, or raw broccoli – name your poison!)

Let’s start!

NEVER HAVE I EVER…

  • Caught someone else’s bodily fluid in your hand.

  • Used your child to get out of a social engagement you didn’t want to attend.

  • Lied about your child’s age to get a discount.

  • Sniffed someone’s bottom in public.

  • Called your kid by their sibling’s name (or your sibling’s name, or the dog’s name).

  • Cried way more than you did before having kids when watching shows or reading books about a child meeting a terrible fate. 

  • Bought your child a present that you secretly wanted for yourself.

  • Laughed when your kid said a swear word.

  • Found yourself using a phrase you used to hate your own parents using on you.

  • “Lost” a toy of theirs that you found particularly irritating.

  • Watched an entire episode of a kids’ show and then realised that there had been no children in the room for the past 15 minutes.

  • Made up a horrible disease that would result if your child did not eat their veggies/pick up their toys/stop kicking their brother.

  • Skipped entire paragraphs or pages of a story book just to make bedtime reading go faster.

  • Taken advantage of your child’s lack of economic savvy, and paid them 25 cents to pull out weeds for two hours.

  • Spent more time on the toilet than you needed to, in order to have a break.

  • Googled your sick child’s symptoms. Extra points if you lost sleep from the results.

  • Had a crush on a children’s TV presenter.

  • Steered your kid towards watching more of that show, even though they didn’t really want to.

  • Been more nervous than your child at a parent-teacher meeting.

  • Told your kid “I’ll give you to the count of three…” and did any of the following:

  • Kept on counting.
  • Had an extra long delay between “2” and “3”.

  • Desperately resorted to fractions to fill in the gap between “2” and “3”. Extra points if those fractions made no sense. 

  • Reached “3” then did absolutely nothing.

  • Prayed for rain or mild illness to avoid early morning soccer practice.

  • Eaten something off the floor because you were too lazy to go to the bin.

  • Tried to pay a cashier with used tissues or a piece of Lego that was in your bag.

  • Envied how clean a public bathroom was compared to your one at home.

  • Had entire meals consisting of your children’s dinner scraps.

  • Been forced to avoid fun rides or going for a dip in the ocean because you were responsible for minding/carrying everyone’s things.

  • Been forced to invent a story of why the tooth fairy was late in delivering the goods.

  • Accidentally whacked your kid’s head on a door frame while carrying them.

  • Had to think twice before offering someone a lift in your car or letting them use your toilet.